Parenting: When to push - and when to let go

Pushy parents.  No-one likes them. No-one wants to be known as one.

And yet...

Sometimes children need to be pushed.  I've lost count of the conversations I've had with other parents on the subject. Your child shows an aptitude for something but is nervous about pursuing it.  Do you coax and cajole or accept their reluctance? Or - and this tends to happen more as they get older - your child has already proven they are good at something but insists on giving it up.

When do you push them forwards and when do you let go? I wish I had the definitive answer. I'm pretty sure I've called it wrong a few times myself already.  Along the way, however, I've picked up some helpful guidelines...

Safety first

The one activity I insist that my kids stick with is swimming. Until they are water confident, the lessons continue. As for the rest of their sporting activities, as long as they exercise, I'm happy for them to try different things.

See it through - at least in the short-term

The plaintive "I want to stop drama/gymnastics/piano" inevitably strikes up halfway through the lesson block.  At Average Towers, this is another non-negotiable: If we've paid for the term, we stay for the term.  By which time, they've often decided they want to continue.  If not, then the bigger "Are you sure?" conversation takes place in the holidays.

Get to the heart of the matter

As a child, I gave up ballet lessons because another little girl repeatedly pulled at my leotard. I never told my parents why I wanted to give up; I just insisted that I did.  As an adult, I realise how easily this issue could have been resolved. Make sure you know the real reasons behind your child's decision. It may be nothing to do with the activity itself.  And it may be easily sorted too.

Same activity, different set-up

You know they're good at it.  Deep down, they know they're good at it. But something about the existing arrangement isn't working.  Could they go on a different evening - with different children, or a different instructor?  Does another club offer the same activity that they could try instead? Constant chopping and changing isn't recommended. But a one-off switch to avoid a personality clash with a coach, for example, might be worth exploring.

Over to them

There comes a point when children want to take some responsibility for their own decisions.  If older children persist in their desire to drop something, you may just have to accept it.  Many of us return to these activities in adulthood.  If it's meant to be, they'll find their own way back.

Time to relocate my ballet pumps?

Do you struggle with knowing when to push your children and when to let go? Leave a comment and let me know.

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Role models: How to find a good one

Q: What makes a good role model? 

A: Someone who inspires you to be the best person you can be - in terms of your behaviour, capabilities, attitudes or all of the above. (This isn't a black and white definition by the way, it's a definition from the dictionary of Mrs Average...!)

So where do you find these people? Well, they might just be closer than you think.  While we may read or watch people achieve amazing things in the newspapers or on television, this is not where I draw my personal role models from. Instead, my own cluster of role models (I'm lucky enough to have several) are among people I know...

• It's the friend who encouraged her husband to switch jobs and train for his dream career, taking on the role of main bread winner without so much as a peep (it's her husband who tells this story to others by the way, not her).

• It's the friend who is renovating a house and actively fundraising for a children's charity but who still manages to support community activities and other friends' social events.

 

• It's the friend who contacted me to express her sympathy after a family bereavement, despite the fact that we haven't seen one another for several years and she's overwhelmingly busy running a successful business.

 

• And it's the friend who, for no financial recompense, makes the time to organise jogging training for all the other neighbourhood ladies who want to get fit but who lack the confidence, experience or motivation to do so on their own.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.  If you look closely enough, you'll realise that you are most likely surrounded by amazing people who show great strength, gusto and compassion for others in the way that they approach their daily lives. (Did I mention that all of the above ladies have jobs and young children too?)

When I'm having a bad day or facing a big challenge, I think about my role models and ask myself "How would SHE react in my position?" It's a great way to stop myself going into meltdown and helps me to give myself a shake, get on with things and make better decisions.

So, to all my role models out there - thanks a million. I don't know what I'd do without you! 

 



Mass media isn't always the best source of inspirational role models

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