Dealing with disappointment

Disappointment has a bitter taste.  Most of us will have experienced it - perhaps combined with an unwanted shot of rejection and a side order of despair.

Disappointment can be crushing. It encourages a rash of negative feelings - shame, hurt, anger, despondency.  When you've gone all out for something, the disappointment of not getting it can hurt as much as a physical blow to the stomach.

Given that disappointment is part of life, how do you deal with it?

I certainly don't have a definitive answer. Instead, here's what I'm slowly learning from the life knocks I've encountered along the way...

Time  Don't expect to get over it immediately.  If it meant a lot, it will hurt a lot. Slowly but surely the sting of the smack will subside.  At the very least, you'll get better at living with it.

Perspective  If you're anything like me, you'll have experienced other such hurts.  Being told that you'll bounce back is an oversimplification.  But you will survive to tell the tale.

You're not alone While your particular disappointment is personal to you, bear in mind that almost everyone suffers setbacks in life.  Avoid the temptation to fall into the role of victim.

Experience Something can be learned from each life experience. However deep the disappointment. However painful. However stomach-churning.

In the words of the Dalai Lama: "When you lose, don't lose the lesson."

And if you feel your disappointment represents failure, remember this quote from writer and novelist Michael Korda:

"The freedom to fail is vital if you're going to succeed. Most successful people fail from time to time, and it is a measure of their strength that failure propels them into some new attempt at succcess."

So give yourself time. Acknowledge the disappointment. Remember that others have suffered similarly.  Learn the painful lessons. Regroup, move on and start afresh. You can, and will, find the strength.

How do you deal with disappointment? Leave a comment and let me know.

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Excuses of a homeworker (and what they really mean)

Having freelanced for around a decade now, I've shared a lot of stories with others whose roles also involve an element of homeworking.  

There's a unique quality that you need to become a successful homeworker. No-one really warns you about it though. It's nothing to do with organisational skills or self-discipline, however handy these may be.

It's the art of ad-libbing, thinking on your feet and trotting out smooth explanations without a trace of hesitation. Ones that make it sound as though you're operating from a purpose-built glass-walled office when the reality of your working environment is something entirely different...

Here are just a few examples. (They're not all mine. Promise.)

Sorry I missed your call. I had to step away from my desk for a minute.

Translation: I nipped downstairs to shove the third load of washing into the machine.

I'm away from my desk today with limited access to email.

Translation: I rashly volunteered to help out in my child's class today.  I will be furtively checking emails during break time.

I have someone with me right now. Can I call you back?

Translation: My bewildered-looking partner has just entered the room clutching a shopping list and in desperate need of further instruction.

Please excuse me. I'm just about to pop out to a meeting.

Translation: The meeting is with my own offspring who are about to exit the school in three minutes. 

I am on annual leave this week.

Translation: I have decided to swap the stress of dealing with you for the stress of dealing with my children full-time for the next seven days.

********

Once you've got this little lot down pat, you really can't go wrong. After all, the ability to think on one's feet is surely attractive to potential clients?

Addendum: If any of the fabulous people I work for ever actually read this, please know that I love doing what I do for you.  Despite the lack of glass-walled office.

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Climbing out of the comfort zone

This week someone I know and respect gently accused me of backing down from a project because they suspected I felt 'out of my comfort zone'.

I seized on the phrase like a drowning person would cling to a raft: "You're exactly right, I am out of my comfort zone!" Then I waited to be let off the hook.

That's where things took an interesting turn.  They had no intention of letting me off the hook. Quite the contrary.  At the end of our 'phone call, I was still very much on that particular hook.

Even more surprising is this: I'm not ecstatic about it but I'm OK.  This is NOT my average response to doing things I'm less than 100 per cent sure of.

What gives? Well, on turning forty I made myself a promise.  My new catchphrase would be - cringes inwardly - 'Forty and fearless!'. I'm only three months in but so far I've stuck to my guns.

So how does a cowardly control freak like me climb out of her comfort zone? The as-yet-unpatented three-step plan goes as follows:

Research  Spot the marketing girl (again).  It might be new to you but chances are that someone, somewhere has done it before you.  And they'll have generously shared their experience online. Get googling and get to grips with your challenge. The more you discover, the better prepared you'll be.

Supporters Your supporters don't need to have particular knowledge of what you're trying to do. They just need to be people who believe in you.  And who'll help you to believe in yourself. Surround yourself with them.

Worst case scenario  Better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all? I still have issues with this one, to be honest.  I've a real fear of failure.  But I do force myself to think through the repercussions of not achieving my goal.  Letting your mind go there is painful but liberating.

Of course the flip side of the worst case scenario is thinking through how good you'll feel if you achieve what you've set out to do...

Regardless of your plans for 2015 - fitness challenges, career goals, lifestyle changes - I wish you the very best of luck. Let's all enjoy the view from beyond our personal comfort zones.

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Decisions, decisions: But how best to make them?

Big life decisions. We've all had to make them, whether they're to do with relationships, careers or lifestyle.

I'm not a particularly calm or swift decision-maker.  I really wish that I was.  It's an agonising process isn't it? Swaying back and forth between different scenarios, desperately trying to come down on the right side. The words 'quandary' and 'dilemma' spring to mind.  If I was more of an optimist, I would use the words 'choice' and 'opportunity' instead.  Because, in all fairness, big life decisions are usually about choices and opportunities even if the process of making them feels more like a quandary or a dilemma.

In the next few months, it's likely that I'll have to make a fairly important decision.  I'm not pushed for time (yet), however I've already started some of the processes that I'll need to go through to help me make it.

Pros and cons:  Yes, that old chestnut.  But, in all honesty, whenever a friend comes to me in this sort of situation, it's exactly the starting point I would suggest.  Take a clean page. Put a line down the middle. Write those pros and cons down.  Scrutinise the results in black and white.  If you're lucky the answer might be staring you in the face.  If not, the process of putting your thoughts down on paper will hopefully have nudged you a little further along the decision-making way.

Consult others:  Particularly those whom your decision might  affect. (Hint: Toddlers are not the most insightful of confidantes).  Has someone you know gone through a similar decision-making process? It might be useful to talk to them. Trusted, clear-thinking friends can also be immensely helpful.  Take their thoughts and ideas on board. But be prepared to take responsibility for the decision you eventually make - whether you follow their advice or not.  (My sister once apologised to me for advising me to take a job that didn't work out.  I was genuinely astonished. My decision. My fault. And valuable lessons were learned along the way.)  

Defining moments: Sometimes - and particularly if you're a procrastinator like me - it takes a trigger to make you realise where your head and heart lie.  A friend recently confided that it wasn't until her boss started making  plans for her at work that she knew she was ready for a change. Brilliant parenting blogger, Amy Ramson, confesses in a very honest post how she and her husband made their decision to have a third child. Her defining moment? An unplanned third pregnancy which ended in miscarriage made her feel that nature was telling her 'no' to a third child. The thought made her so miserable that she's turned it into a 'yes'. Happily, she's now pregnant again and expecting a new arrival soon.

Relax: This is rich coming from me as I am one of the least chilled-out people I know.  However, Amy Ramson has another piece of advice within her post that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes the best thing you can do is not to overthink the big decisions.  There's an ancient Buddhist saying:  "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."  Perhaps when the mind is relaxed, answers will present themselves more easily too?  I like to go running to switch off when I'm stressed out, others might enjoy yoga or walking. Regardless of how you do it, a relaxed mind is surely a strong foundation for moving forward.

And on that happy note, I need to decide whether to flick the kettle on or pour myself a glass of red. Think I can just about handle that one...

How do you make big life decisions? Please share your strategies by leaving a comment below.

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Learning to laugh at yourself

Throughout my teens, twenties and a fair amount of my thirties, I was excruciatingly self-conscious.

 

I don't know if it's old age or if I'm just finally growing up. But at last we have a breakthrough: I'm able to laugh at the embarrassing things I do as I muddle my way through my average life.

 

I've also stumbled upon another revelation: If you share your little faux pas with others, they laugh too. Not at you but with you.  And you tend to get over it a lot more quickly. If they are true kindred spirits, they join in by recounting their own cringe worthy red-faced moments.

 

What's that I'm hearing? It's my turn first? Oh well, if you must...

 

Read on and FEEL BETTER.

 

• I once sat through a pre-school presentation with an assortment of children's hats and gloves in my hood.  My little 'uns had seen me do this with their own winter accessories when I was hanging up their coats at nursery. They'd clearly concluded that mummy's larger hood made a better receptacle for their many bits and pieces.  To make matters worse, I had chosen to be a 'keen bean' who sat in the front row.  So yes, that's right, almost everyone in the audience had a full view of me and my stuffed hood.

 

• I have been known to drive off from work meetings with my folder and meeting notes on the roof of the car.  (Please tell me this doesn't only happen to me.)  On one particularly memorable occasion, I had to dart across a busy dual carriageway in stilettos and a shift dress, desperately trying to recover pages of important information while dodging articulated lorries and other fast moving vehicles.

 

• I once managed to drive the car into our own garage door.  (Saved the best 'til last, didn't I?) The seat was adjusted to suit hubby (strapping lad) and not me (petite lady).  Keys in ignition, car starts to move, driveway's on a slope, can't reach pedal, too shocked to remember about handbrake. CRASH.  Our nine-year-old, something of a drama queen, revelled in telling everyone that mummy had not only crashed the car into her own property but had also (cue hushed tones and pause for effect) "said a bad word".

 

I could add to the authenticity of that last story by inserting a photograph of our (popped out but still dented) garage door. But even my ability to share doesn't quite stretch to that.  So instead I'll leave you with this parting thought:

Are you brave enough to share any embarrassing moments? Leave a comment - I dare you!

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What to do when you can't get motivated

Why is that some days you feel like you could take on the world and the next it's a struggle to get out of bed? Hormones? Energy levels? Weather? The prospect of an unpleasant list of chores ahead?

 

Perhaps it's a combination of all of the above.  But here's the thing: For most of us, nestling back down under the duvet isn't an option.

 

Assuming that you've managed to get up and dressed, how on earth do you motivate yourself if you are having one of those types of day?

 

I'm no stranger to the struggle to "get out the bit" as we say here in Scotland. And, like so many of you, when there's work, family life and other commitments to juggle, I almost always have a to-do list lurking, waiting to be tackled.

 

For this reason, I've eagerly absorbed every crumb of advice involving procrastination and the art of knuckling down to work. Forums, self-help books and, you guessed it, other blogs are thankfully full of suggestions. 

 

Here's my own consolidated set of techniques to help you on your way... As ever, I've included what I think is a decent mixture in the hope that there's something here for everyone.

 

Keep it short

Getting started is almost always the worst part so I've borne that in mind here.  If you can just get going and feel that you've achieved something, chances are that you might feel good enough to tackle the next task in hand.  It's therefore sometimes a good idea to start out with a job that you know you can complete quickly. As the queen of home management, flylady, says: "You can do anything for 15 minutes."

 

Keep it simple

On a similar note to the above suggestion, if you need a "quick fix" achievement, then you could do worse than to choose something easy as a starting point on your to-do list.  No matter that it doesn't take much brainpower or physical effort, you'll have done something (albeit something simple) when you were in the mood to do absolutely nothing.

 

Keep it mechanical

If even simple tasks seem like too big a mountain to climb, go for something that really is a "no brainer" - something repetitive and mechanical. That pile of paper that needs shredded, those socks that need paired, the envelopes that need stuffed. If that's all you feel up to - and it needs done anyway - go for it.

 

Keep it physical

If paperwork features in your 'to do' list but you simply can't concentrate, you may have to put it to one side temporarily.  (I appreciate that this isn't an option if you work in an open plan office!) If your schedule has the flexibility, go and do something active instead.  I'm a homeworker so I'll often go and disgruntledly hoover or mop a floor to try and power my way out of my bad mood.  These things usually need done in my house anyway, so at least I've gone some way towards tackling the chores.

 

Keep it incentivised

Promising small children a reward for completing a mundane task might be frowned upon but this time it's up to you! If you can't get yourself going, why not promise yourself something nice if you succeed in knuckling down for a certain amount of time?  It doesn't have to be anything major - even just a break for a cuppa, or a chat on the 'phone with a friend.

 

Keep it nasty

Bit of a wildcard here at the end! (Just wanted to check that you were still reading....)  Sometimes, when you are in a real grump anyway, it's worth considering doing the polar opposite to suggestions one and two. That's right:  Pick the big task you are most dreading and immerse yourself in it.  After all, if you are out of sorts you may as well be out of sorts properly!

Do you have any techniques for dealing with days when you simply "can't get out the bit?" If so, please comment below.

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Shared on Works-For-Me-Wednesday (WFMW).

The power of the humble list

I'm addicted to lists. There, I said it. (Please don't all run for the hills!) I have to confess, though, that it wasn't until I started writing this blog post that I realised just how heavily the humble list features in my daily life.  Where on earth would I be without it?

Now, I'm not sure that all of my list uses will appeal to everyone (not given my list-tastic tendencies!). But, as ever, if there's just one suggestion that you find useful, then I'll consider this article a good job done.

Off we go....

The  master 'to do' list

Everyone has one of these in some shape or form, don't they? On a week day, this sits beside my desk with a list of categorised tasks. Paid for work comes first (needs must) and nowadays I might have another heading below for 'blog'. Then, if I'm feeling really efficient, I might include another section for the humdrum stuff I need to remember about - paying bills, making an optician's appointment, etc.

I work from a hard copy notepad but I know that some people like to save desk space and keep their work task list on their computer.  Between you and me, I think mine has always remained as a hard copy for two reasons:  Firstly, I have a tendency to remember about something important just after I've switched the laptop off.  Secondly, I really love the process of physically ticking a checkbox once I've completed a job. (So much more satisfying than clicking a mouse.)

Oh - and one more thing. Sometimes I'll write up my 'to do' list the night before, especially if the next day looks really busy.  It helps me to switch off a little and get some sleep. Otherwise, I risk a jumble of tasks swirling round my head at 3am.

The mobile list

I don't carry my beloved 'to do' list notepad about with me.  If a great idea for a work project springs into mind while I'm on the go or, more likely, I have one of those dreaded "Oh no, I've forgotten to do XYZ" moments, then I need to find some other way of capturing it.  Sadly, my average - and at times below average - memory can not be relied upon to retrieve the information later. This is where my trusty mobile 'phone comes in.  As a list lover, I've enthusiastically investigated lots of task list apps. My needs are fairly basic though, so I've found that most of them are too sophisticated. As an iphone owner, I use both the standard notes app and the reminders app (if the job is time-sensitive). The combination of the two is perfectly adequate to meet my on-the-go requirements.

The menu planning list

Or, as it is known in my household, the 'meals for the week' list.  This goes hand in hand with my weekly shopping list. Both get written up at the same time - usually at the weekend or on a Monday, by which time the cupboards are looking a bit forlorn.  By deciding what we're going to eat in advance for the next seven days or so, the shopping list becomes a bit more focused and there's less risk of impulse buying and wasted food at the end of the week. If hubby's home first, he can (in theory!) see which meals we have planned and start cooking in the knowledge that all the ingredients should be to hand. For this reason, I'll occasionally jot down a reference to the recipe book and page number alongside the planned meal. Note: Sometimes real life does get in the way, so the menu plan is not always adhered to rigidly. An element of flexibility is essential in my household!  The menu planning list is usually a scribbled affair that is attached via magnet to our fridge or notice board (of which more below).

The day-to-day family list

Not so much of a list, as a noticeboard.  My eldest child really likes to know what we're doing, what we're eating and who's at home on any given day. (Hubby works shifts so he's sometimes around after school, sometimes not.)  Kept in the kitchen, our family noticeboard is written up (usually by me, sometimes by the kids) the night before and stops me getting impatient answering the same, inevitable daily questions.  Again, things don't always go exactly to schedule but at least there is the intention of order among the family chaos! What's more, I think it gives my daughter a sense of security in what's becoming a fast-paced, ever changing world.  Given that hubby's a shift worker, it also reminds him what the plan is if he comes home to an empty or sleeping household.

The children's checklist

I realised the other day that this really needs an overhaul in our household. The original version was produced some years ago and my two children's capabilities have since moved on. However, as some of you might have younger children - and since we found it useful - I'll include it here anyway.  Pinned on the inside of our coat cupboard door, we have a simple checklist for the kids with pictures alongside.  Getting them out in the morning for nursery or school used to be really stressful (and, to be frank, it sometimes still is).  This checklist was designed to encourage them to develop some independence and to stop me asking the same questions day in, day out. You know the ones I mean, "Have you packed your swimming bag/show and tell project/recorder/water bottle?" and "Have you brushed your teeth/hair?". If you have access to any kind of word processing software like Microsoft Word, it's well worth the half hour to set up, print out and - if you have the equipment - laminate a list like this. I remember it working really nicely in the first few weeks (novelty value?), after which time some of the daily procedures were becoming ingrained.

Cautionary note: Don't leave it to languish like I did once the kids have got the hang of things! My next step should have been to move things up a notch and produce a new list. Perhaps one that includes some additional morning jobs that my two are more than capable of doing.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I might feel another list coming on...

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Shared on Works-For-Me-Wednesday (WFMW).

Role models: How to find a good one

Q: What makes a good role model? 

A: Someone who inspires you to be the best person you can be - in terms of your behaviour, capabilities, attitudes or all of the above. (This isn't a black and white definition by the way, it's a definition from the dictionary of Mrs Average...!)

So where do you find these people? Well, they might just be closer than you think.  While we may read or watch people achieve amazing things in the newspapers or on television, this is not where I draw my personal role models from. Instead, my own cluster of role models (I'm lucky enough to have several) are among people I know...

• It's the friend who encouraged her husband to switch jobs and train for his dream career, taking on the role of main bread winner without so much as a peep (it's her husband who tells this story to others by the way, not her).

• It's the friend who is renovating a house and actively fundraising for a children's charity but who still manages to support community activities and other friends' social events.

 

• It's the friend who contacted me to express her sympathy after a family bereavement, despite the fact that we haven't seen one another for several years and she's overwhelmingly busy running a successful business.

 

• And it's the friend who, for no financial recompense, makes the time to organise jogging training for all the other neighbourhood ladies who want to get fit but who lack the confidence, experience or motivation to do so on their own.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.  If you look closely enough, you'll realise that you are most likely surrounded by amazing people who show great strength, gusto and compassion for others in the way that they approach their daily lives. (Did I mention that all of the above ladies have jobs and young children too?)

When I'm having a bad day or facing a big challenge, I think about my role models and ask myself "How would SHE react in my position?" It's a great way to stop myself going into meltdown and helps me to give myself a shake, get on with things and make better decisions.

So, to all my role models out there - thanks a million. I don't know what I'd do without you! 

 



Mass media isn't always the best source of inspirational role models

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