Five things no-one ever tells you about parenthood

A couple of my friends have recently given birth. I have no intention of jumping on that particular bandwagon again, however the subject of new parenthood did cause me to hark back to that bewildering time in my own life.

 

Forget sleepless nights, weaning advice and potty training. Here are the things that I wish someone - anyone - had warned me about in advance...

 

1. From here on in, everything takes twice as long.  Forget grabbing your coat and nipping to the corner shop for a pint of milk.  This is now known as a military-style exercise. Prepare for the eventuality that, having spent 30 minutes grappling with small limbs and small clothes, you will realise, in the middle of the Co-op, that you have forgotten to change out of your own slippers.

 

2. Expect to be late for everything for the first six months (or in my case six years). This will not sit well with a) your boss b) elderly relatives and c) childless friends. Please refer to point 1 above.

 

3. Getting ready to go out is no longer an enjoyable part of the evening.  If you are fortunate enough to possess a) sufficient energy and b) willing babysitters, you may wish to actually leave the house in the evening without the company of small people.  The previously enjoyable process of choosing an outfit, applying make-up and (sigh) sipping an advance glass of chilled white is no longer an option.  Instead, you must master the art of the 30-second shower, the 10-second clothes change and the application of mascara in a moving taxi. Please refer to point 2 above.

 

4. Retail therapy is no longer part of your repertoire. Saturday afternoon clothes shopping, in particular, is out of the question. Make friends with your Next Directory and, indeed, any other trustworthy internet or mail order clothing company.  That's where you'll be shopping for the next decade.

Make friends with mail order

 

5. Your parents now have no interest in you, other than as chauffeuse for their grandchildren. If you receive a cursory "hello" and "goodbye" as you arrive and depart then you're doing well.

 

On the plus side, you are about to discover an amazingly versatile household staple in the form of baby wipes.  Ten years on and we're still finding uses for them in Average Towers. However did I survive without them?

What do you wish people had told you in advance about parenthood? Leave a comment and let me know!

Enjoyed this article? Why not like Average and Proud on facebook or follow me on Twitter?

Learning to laugh at yourself

Throughout my teens, twenties and a fair amount of my thirties, I was excruciatingly self-conscious.

 

I don't know if it's old age or if I'm just finally growing up. But at last we have a breakthrough: I'm able to laugh at the embarrassing things I do as I muddle my way through my average life.

 

I've also stumbled upon another revelation: If you share your little faux pas with others, they laugh too. Not at you but with you.  And you tend to get over it a lot more quickly. If they are true kindred spirits, they join in by recounting their own cringe worthy red-faced moments.

 

What's that I'm hearing? It's my turn first? Oh well, if you must...

 

Read on and FEEL BETTER.

 

• I once sat through a pre-school presentation with an assortment of children's hats and gloves in my hood.  My little 'uns had seen me do this with their own winter accessories when I was hanging up their coats at nursery. They'd clearly concluded that mummy's larger hood made a better receptacle for their many bits and pieces.  To make matters worse, I had chosen to be a 'keen bean' who sat in the front row.  So yes, that's right, almost everyone in the audience had a full view of me and my stuffed hood.

 

• I have been known to drive off from work meetings with my folder and meeting notes on the roof of the car.  (Please tell me this doesn't only happen to me.)  On one particularly memorable occasion, I had to dart across a busy dual carriageway in stilettos and a shift dress, desperately trying to recover pages of important information while dodging articulated lorries and other fast moving vehicles.

 

• I once managed to drive the car into our own garage door.  (Saved the best 'til last, didn't I?) The seat was adjusted to suit hubby (strapping lad) and not me (petite lady).  Keys in ignition, car starts to move, driveway's on a slope, can't reach pedal, too shocked to remember about handbrake. CRASH.  Our nine-year-old, something of a drama queen, revelled in telling everyone that mummy had not only crashed the car into her own property but had also (cue hushed tones and pause for effect) "said a bad word".

 

I could add to the authenticity of that last story by inserting a photograph of our (popped out but still dented) garage door. But even my ability to share doesn't quite stretch to that.  So instead I'll leave you with this parting thought:

Are you brave enough to share any embarrassing moments? Leave a comment - I dare you!

Enjoyed this article? Why not like Average and Proud on facebook or follow me on Twitter?